What Is, Is: The Strength in Radical Acceptance

Written by Sarah Peritz, M.A.

Let’s be honest, summer is not always full of joy, sunshine, and ample time off. The warmer months can bring up stress or negative emotions, especially when we engage in self-judgmental thoughts of what summer “should” be or feel like. If you’re navigating challenges that feel unavoidable or invariable, the DBT skill of radical acceptance might be helpful.

What is Radical Acceptance?

Radical acceptance goes beyond the notion of “putting up” with a situation. Instead, radical acceptance is the practice of fully and completely accepting reality. It means choosing to stop fighting what is, even if you don’t like it. Radical acceptance does not mean approval, agreement, or resignation. It means observing and recognizing that reality exists, and resisting it only adds to our suffering.

Why Would I Radically Accept Something Causing Me Pain?

Radical acceptance is most helpful in situations that cause pain and cannot be changed. Examples may include grief, loss, life changes, or disappointments. Often, suffering doesn’t just come from the event itself, but from our refusal to accept that it happened.

When we begin saying, “this isn’t fair”, “it shouldn’t be like this”, “why me?”, we may be stuck in a mental and emotional loop of resistance, which keeps us emotionally drained and trapped.

It’s common to believe that accepting our reality means we are okay with it, we condone it, or that we’re giving up. However, acceptance is not approval or weakness. In fact, it takes strength and courage to acknowledge a painful truth and choose to face it with openness.

A Game of Cards

Radical acceptance can be compared to a card game. In life, we don’t get to choose the hand we’re dealt or the situations that happen at times. But we do choose how we play. Willingness to radically accept a situation or event is playing the hand you were dealt as skillfully as possible, no matter how unfair or difficult it may feel. The alternative may be throwing your cards down, storming out of the room, and pretending the game isn’t happening. Understandably, that might feel better temporarily, but it does not change the game. In fact, once we accept the game, we have a better chance of working on changing aspects of the game that are in our control. Thus, acceptance offers empowerment in ourselves and our situation.

A Summer of Acceptance

If specific events or situations are interfering with engaging in building a life worth living for you this summer, try practicing radical acceptance.

●      Notice what you’re struggling to accept.

●      Remind yourself that acceptance is acknowledging, not liking or preferring. Two things can be true at the same time: we can accept something and hate it.

●      Make an internal commitment to yourself to stop fighting reality and focus on how you respond to it.

Radical acceptance does not erase what has happened, but it does reduce unnecessary suffering as a reaction.